"this is going to be sick but it looks like a penis blew up on chris' face." - john

"it smells like a burning swimming pool!"

"i'd probably cry before i turned the table over." - keith

"dude, you've got shaving cream on your ear..."

"when indulging yourself with home craft projects, do not waste natural gas by shrinking your shrinky dinks in an oven. if you are careful in cutting them out and coloring them, you can just as easily enjoy the beauty of non-shrunken dinks." - the onion

"i should have ran her over so i could talk to her." - john

"life's a bitch, then you get stuffed in a (bowling) ball return." - john

"no matter how bad your head hurts, do not under any circumstances attempt to remove it." - the onion

"this one time, when mel pee'd her pants..." - brigette

"who would have thought that being bored would lead to hotel theft and fraud?" - john

alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. -- george bernard shaw

"i want to set up a database, but i don't have any data."

"i wish i could be awake while sleeping, so i could enjoy it."

"my lawyer says you should go shove an embroidered throw pillow up your ass."

"if you're going to write a comedy scene, you're going to have some rat feces in there."
-- david cross

"fruit, dairy, beef jerky, and a garden hose."
- johnny bravo, naming the four food groups

"my only hope is that the big lebowski kills me before the germans can cut my dick off."
- jeff "the dude" lebowski

"right now, we are being the people our parents warned us about."
- courtney

"most shoes are reusable."
- courtney

when you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. it might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

"it's like my father used to say: 'when i was a child i thought as a child and spoke as a child, but when i became a man i took that child out back and had him shot.'"

when you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

the value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

all i ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.

real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called them last night.

"i'm not gonna say anything inspirational, i'm just gonna fucking swear a lot"

quark! quark! beware the quantum duck!

"experience has taught me that behind every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth."

it's like my father used to say: "when i was a child i thought as a child and spoke as a child, but when i became a man i took that child out back and had him shot."

"i'm so hungry i could eat the ass end out of a dead rhinoceros."

"i got so many lawyers lined up to see me today, you'd think i had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants."

"you can't take something off the internet! it's like taking pee out of a swimming pool."

"this all happened on account of my douchebagness." - john

"it's like a soap opera, only with ugly people."

"how can i afford smokes now, especially with a baby on the way?"

"two seventeen-year-olds does not make a thirty-four-year-old."

"my school colors were clear. we used to say, 'i'm not naked, i'm in the band.'"

"those hot-shot doctors may think your colon cancer is inoperable, but this week you and your trusty scout knife are going to prove them wrong." - the onion

"the dance is tomorrow. she's a cheerleader, you've seen star wars 47 times. you do the math." - freaks and geeks

"computer games don't affect kids...if pacman affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."

"if i don't get my porn spam every morning at 10am, i know that there's something wrong with the network."

"drop out huh? give it three months and you'll be smoking crack and stealing car batteries like the rest of 'em."

"do not bathe for several days prior to a date to get your pheromones good and strong." - dating tips, the onion

"try saying that with more or less context." - superslinky

"i found out that eating a pregnant woman is like opening a fortune cookie... wait eeeeeeewwwww did i say that?" - john

"i'm like king midas in reverse. everything i touch turns to shit." - tony soprano

"poor people tend live in clusters." - eric cartman

"you know what's nice about a ford escort? if your brakes ever go out, you can just turn on the air conditioner."

"the light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train." - david lee roth

"if i was a cat, i'd be purring right now." - dyneah

"you can ride that son-of-a-bitch almost a half hour before it explodes."

"the secret of success is sincerity. once you can fake that, you've got it made."


"this is like watching a really cute puppy try to have sex with a hooker."

"if you don't like the way i drive, stay off the sidewalk."

"comon losers, make daddy a billionare!" - gerard mulligan, the late show

"never trust a naked bus driver."

"(orange juice) pulp can suck it." - brennan

"i'm just challenging my shirt to a duel." - emily


"2 weeks is longer than 6 months." - lisa

"you can't deny true love." - me
"yes you can." - tom a

"miss cleo told me to." - dave letterman, the late show

"boy, unrine cuts right through an ice sculpture, doesn't it?" - chandler, friends

"don't tell me what to do! i'm having fun!" - joe perry, aerosmith

"he who knows how will always work for he who knows why."

"there's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"it's byob, not bring your own vomit!" - lisa

"i don't like your sassitude." - brigette

"there is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life." - frank zappa

"i just got skylights put in my place. the people who live above me are furious."

"i used to jog but the ice-cubes kept falling out of my glass." - david lee roth

"i am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. there is no one who can match me. i want your (lennox lewis's) heart. i want to eat your children." -mike tyson

"money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it!" - david lee roth

"i used to have a drug problem, now i make enough money." - david lee roth

"it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how good you looked!" - david lee roth

"i'm smarter than the average bear." - lisa

"what are you talking to me for? i'm shrink-wrapped!" - lisa

"i say we get a large, angry monkey, we bring it there, and let it loose."

"if this doesn't work, i want you to pretend to have another seizure." - david letterman, the late show

"back that couch up"

"i wonder how many more times i can put my foot in my mouth." - sarah b

"i don't know about you, but i must have eaten my weight in peanut-butter sandwiches over the past month or so." - jackie harvey, the onion

"the whole damn country's been paranoid about terrorism ever since the whole damn country was devastated by terrorism." - the onion

"a beautiful woman's face is like chocolate, cash or cocaine to a young man's brain, according to harvard university researchers."

"a scarf like that is bound to attract drunks." - david letterman, the late show

"never bring a clown to a crisis intervention."

"reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol."

"my butt hurts." - courtney

"i can dick slap chicks in different area codes." - anonymous

"my house is blowing away!" - john

"just because you're scared doesn't mean you can break into ebonics." - brennan

"i'll give you $2 and a bus pass for that one-armed bitch." - anonymous

"pigs are the cleanesat farm animals efver." - lisa

"i cant belive you... wont go with me... but youll go romp around ghetto ville." - staci

"you're playing internet pool instead of bumping uglies??????" - unknown

"i don't know whose brain child it was, but it's quite an ugly child."

"lets go back to our dull lives and search for meaning."

"well, i think i'm gonna go get it on with the sandman." - sarah b

"i have two sheeps." - dyneah

"copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."

"without international competition, the pinnacle of nascar lies in a sea of motor homes, camaros, terrible eyewear, tank tops, mullets, jenny craig flunkees, and inbreeding-derived pinheads."

"remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive!" - david lee roth

"i don't know any girls that are into nascar, probably because i don't live in alabama" - mike

"all i could think about was boiling your shorts and drinking the broth" - who's line is it anyway

"i wouldn't shove my dong in a random mouth... what you need is a vacuum, some ham, cream cheese, rubber bands, and hockey tape. you can get all the bjs you want if you rig that stuff up right."

"the way the kids dress these days, it's becoming almost impossible to tell the sluts from the regular girls." - the onion

life is a terminal, sexually transmitted disease.

"george w. bush, former owner of the texas rangers and failed oilman, is president. this is too weird." - the onion

"while i am strongly opposed to drug abuse, i must applaud the entrepreneurial spirit exhibited by addicts when it comes to finding new ways to get off." - the onion

"there's no use in cybering with myself...that's just wrong." - sarah b

"i've never seen anyone drink so much xerox toner." - the late show

"sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine."

"and the good news is my back hair is gone and the babes are on me like a half-priced carnival ride." - alan kalter, the late show

"when you boasted last week that 'nothing can stop me now,' you apparently forgot about syphilis." - the onion

"i wonder what color he would be if he tanned his yellow arse" - sarah b

"do we really need to waste money and resources killing the retarded when sending them into a hedge maze would be just as effective?" - the onion

"schools that boast about their outstanding academic reputation are probably insecure about their inadequacies in other areas." - the onion

"if you have young children, avoid purchasing bleach products bearing pictures of pikachu drinking the bleach." - the onion

"it's a face orgy" - sarah b

"procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."

"it's sad to see someone get outperformed by their watch." - the onion

"soon your 15 minutes of fame will be up, and people will only know you as 'that freaky-looking guy who survived the barbed-wire-plant explosion.'" - the onion

"you can be vice president in the most prosperous time in america, run against a dumb guy, get more votes and still lose." - the late show

"try not to worry about things over which you have no control. for an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything." - the onion

"sometimes, a man just has to know when to walk away from the burning school bus on the railroad tracks." - the onion

"when you get up tomorrow morning, ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself into the engine of a moving 747. the answer may surprise you." - the onion

"remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque? those were so cool." - the onion

"nothing revives a stroke victim like an eye-popping orgasm." - the onion

"i'm okay with being a sex fiend"

"not voting is one of the perks of being a convicted felon."

"use a high-pressure hose to periodically spray slippery, dangerous vomit off floormats." - the onion

"the kids in the schoolyard really seem to be enjoying how overweight your son is."

"she's got me faggoted up like a 10-year-old girl's notebook." - the onion

"you know what would make this small unventilated room more fun? an open can of paint!" - the late show

"people just really enjoy sex." - david letterman, the late show

"i'm drunker than george w. bush!" - the late show

"unless you wants every hole in yo' body stapled shut, y'all best not make no wisecracks." - herbert kornfeld, the onion

"i swear, that blippy-bleepy techno-dance shit all sounds the same. i'd be happy if there was just one hot eddie van halen lick thrown in there somewhere, but it's all just a bunch of video-game noises." - jim anchower, the onion

"my somewhat retarded brain works in odd ways a lot of times" - sarah b

"if you are not an only son, you can become one through hard work and perseverance."

"the 22-pound royal typewriter can crush a skull as if it were fine porcelain." - t. herman zweibel, the onion

"german history is pregnant with good business advice." - t. herman zweibel, the onion

"maybe tommorow we can rent a car and run over some puppies" - chandler, friends

"it's not that you're in a no-win situation; it's just that you can't win."

"i'm quite sure i just shat out my rib-cage from fear!" - t. herman zweibel, the onion

"closest thing you've had to a come-on was a hot chick thanked you for all the shade your fat ass provides." - david letterman, the late show

"when attending superficial, high-society dinner parties, always stab people in the back with the third fork from the left." - the onion

"strip mining prevents forest fires."

"what a crappy day. the giants won, and someone ate my burrito." - ken

"how about i drop the blanket half way?" - courtney

"the lutheran talking dog whose advice has helped you in the past will crack under pressure this week, taking you on a drunken, 10-day whoring binge." - the onion

"didn't california slide into the ocean yet? can we find a way to speed that up?" - the onion

"there's nothing better than smelling like a flowery kitty." - sarah b

"yep, i give us about 20 minutes before our first ass raping." - el, road trip

"you will look as good in a hundred years as you do today, thanks to recent advances in the field of taxidermy."

"famous quotations are for people who have nothing of their own to say, so be sure to use a lot of them." - the onion

"thier parents raised them as chowder-headed dufuses" - jon stewart, the daily show

"the reason the murder rate is so low is because people tend to give up murder for lent"

"cute couple... look nice and stupid too" - beatlejuice

"your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office." - the onion

"freshmen girls... mealplans and pretty smiles" - cash